Haruhi
by Losnsaja
Summary: A critical analysis of consumerism and product placement. Stuff blows up.
1. Happy Days

Mikuru retreated to the upper levels of the thermosphere, ferrying Tsuruya's fang in planetsafe gloves to the moon. She was being pursued by Shamisen for some flimsily explained reason. Shamisen extended his tentacles in an attempt to slow Mikuru from reaching her destination.

"Mikuru Asahina, for your crimes against humanity, you must be annihilated and imprisoned for eternity. Prepare to die!"

"Never, you pussy!"

Mikuru fired annihilation rays from her gloves in the struggle to free herself from the cephalopodan appendages. The grotesque Shamisen let out a hellish cry of pain.

Though it took Apollo spacecraft three to four days to reach the moon, Mikuru somehow did it in 30 minutes. Mikuru hastily buried the fang at the moon. The area of the ground immediately turned a completely brown rainbow color. The moon was now safe to budge. Mikuru saw Shamisen speed toward her, so she began to make her move. But, of course, she had to make the obligatory pre-buttkicking phrase beforehand.

"In my name, the moon will punish you!"

Mikuru rammed the moon at Shamisen. Every single thing in space exploded. ISS astronauts probably soiled their diapers. The resulting collision set both the abhorrent eldritch abomination and the moon on fire, broke them up into a babillion pieces, and set all of them on fire. The conflagrant masses of Cathulhu and moonrock plummeted to the extravagant cities of Rome, Dubai, Singapore, and Boise, enveloping them and their citizens in complete hellfire. And yes, these places still burn to this day.

As Mikuru saw the spectacular display of objects that somehow burn without oxygen head off to the edges of the solar system, she just realized that she forgot one thing.

She forgot to feed Kunikida's hamster.


	2. Gilligan's Island

Mikuru went to the mall. She needed a new printer.

"Would you like this Namsung C5500 wireless color printer? It's a new arrival," The shopowner said.

"It's ancient," Mikuru said flatly.

The shopowner presented multiple printers, all of which were too old for her tastes. It's not easy being from the future.

"Where's a printer that can reproduce 4-dimensional objects when you need one?" Mikuru said.

Mikuru then heard a ringing of an alarm and saw a man clad in black fleeing from officers. It was fortunate that Mikuru brought her scarf on her trip. The police never did anything right.

Mikuru chased after the thief, which the police expectedly lost. Somehow, Mikuru caught up to the bandit. We'll leave the boring parts out and let you decide for yourself what happened that led up to the fight.

Mikuru cast her scarf at the marauder. The scarf grew into a whip at the end, which in turn grew into a snake at the end. The snake spit venom into the robber's eyes, burning seven degrees of hurt into the retina. The acidic fluid reached the brain, blowing it up into tritillion bits, which all blew out of every orifice of his body. The snake landed on his crotch, biting into the unfortunate man's delicate parts. As Mikuru watched the man lay in the pile of brain and venom, the police approached her.

"Thank you for your heroic actions." One officer said to her.

"Now we'll beat you up and take that awesome scarf for ourselves!"

Mikuru was quick to react. She kicked off the head of one doomed officer using the rubber duck and singing fish she had kept in her pocket. His blood splattered all over the other officers, igniting them and blowing them up into kantillion fragments, as they were made of bloodboom. As we said, the police never did anything right.

Once she got home, Mikuru opened the cases and saw wasillions of wasillions of dollars. To be specific, Zimbabwean dollars. The expropriator robbed a currency exchange.

And she wouldn't have it any other way.


	3. All in the Family

Sonou Mori was given to the Germans as a gift from Japan. Back then, maids were acceptable gifts. Her master, Itsuki Koizumi, had come home from a long day of rounding up Jews and political opponents. Sonou was still trying to finish up her long list of chores.

"Maid, you are so slow! Stop sweeping the floor right now!"

"Okay." Sonou stopped as instructed.

"You realize that I ate chili last night? Well, I'm eating chili again, so it is of high priority that you wash the dishes and scrub the toilet right now!"

Itsuki was such a Nazi toward her.

"Y-yes, I'll get to that in an instant."

"And of course, when you're done, you still need to finish your list of chores."

Itsuki went upstairs. Sonou sighed.

While washing the dishes, something suddenly splashed into the sink. Sonou stopped washing and picked up the object. It was a dark pink rainbow rock. She inferred that it came through the window from above, but she didn't know where it came from. She put it into her pocket, which resulted in it transporting her a catorcillion years into the future.

And she had not even scrubbed the toilet.

Itsuki used a dirty toilet that night.


	4. Leave It to Beaver

A large crowd had gathered around the two players. It was to be expected; Ryoko was the best arm wrestler of all time and a novice challenged her to a game.

"Hmph. These gloves are designed by the God of All Space and All Time himself. You really think those Santa gloves can stop me? It's best you drop out now and save yourself the embarrassment."

"I have nothing left to be embarrassed about," retorted Mikuru.

Mikuru knew that Ryoko was not going to be easy to defeat. The two put on their gloves, placed their elbows on the table, and held each other's hands.

Mikuru and Ryoko stressed their arms to their left so they would win. The conflict caused both of the gloves to glow. The light grew stronger, forming a big ball with almost the power of a sun surrounding the arms. No one else could see who was winning as the ball completely obscured the view of the table. Many of the viewers became blind at the spot.

The mini-sun caused a ray of light to emanate from the arms and pierce all seven levels of heaven. The angels, disturbed by the sudden light and violence, threw down various kitchen utensils down to the earth to pacify the crowd. A spoon landed on a woman's head; it blew up soon afterwards. The blood splattered on the other spectators. Those made of bloodboom soon exploded. Explosions surrounded the competitors as they continued what seemed to be a nevereding game.

From the commotion of their surroundings, a hand smacked Ryoko in the face. She lost concentration and watched helplessly as her arm went to the right.

If only Ryoko had been hit with an elbow instead; she would've had the advantage of having two pivot points.


	5. 3rd Rock from the Sun

Mikuru was ill for the rest of the week. The food at Anhui Wok was not kind to her belly. Kyon watched over her while Kunikida was away on a business trip. He was selling guillotines that can easily execute stuffed animals.

She threw up dark matter several times. The dark matter were put into the bin, where they had sex with each other. The resulting dark matter orgasms turned the bin inside-out, away from existence, never to be seen again.

Kyon was very interested in the phenomenon. Very interested.

After Mikuru got better, she fed Kunikida's hamster.


End file.
